DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who can't swing up on a horse. Oh, these are the problems you want to have. Hard as I try, I just get laughed at by the people in my riding club. You may want to reconsider joining the Jerktastic Riders Association. I keep practicing, but nothing works. What can I do? I need help, even my friends say so. They've got these things called stepstools you might could look into. -- HOPELESS IN UTAH

DEAR HOPELESS: Try this. Go to a gym and have a trainer prescribe some exercises to increase the strength in your arms and legs. You can only exercise by prescription now? If you follow my advice, I predict that in a few months you will be the person getting the last laugh. (If that doesn't work, you may need a shorter horse.) You may want to try this horse.

originally auntagonized 7-14-08
DEAR ABBY: Can you give me a lighthearted, polite response when someone says, "Shame on you!" for not doing something he thinks everyone should be doing -- like watching "Star Wars" movies and inconsequential things like that? You haven't seen Star Wars? Renounce your American citizenship at once! Terrorist.

My husband has a colleague who says this constantly. We find it rude, but don't want to match his rudeness with our own. -- STUMPED IN ST. CLOUD, MINN. Wanna know how I knew you were from Minnesota before I read the location?

DEAR STUMPED: You husband's colleague is not being rude. He's being asinine -- and for you and your husband to buy into it is a waste of your time and emotion. Asinine? Such strong language! Do you kiss Abby Sr. with that mouth, Abby Jr.?

The next time he says, "Shame on you" for something so trivial, just laugh and agree with him. "Yes, ha-ha. It's shameful." Then change the subject. No one has the right to dictate how you should spend your time, so take it with a grain of salt. No. That just encourages him. You already used Strong Language in this reply once, Abs, let's do it again. Tell him to stop being a gigantic douche, or whatever the Minnesota Nice equivalent is.

originally auntagonized 7-4-08
Dear Annie: I've been married to "Nancy" for 18 years. Two years ago, we became involved in youth programs in our community as we have three children. You should be ashamed of that sentence. This gave us opportunities to meet new people. Not an expanding social circle! That's a sure route to disaster!

During this time, I noticed Nancy changing. After one meeting, I caught her in a truck with another man. Granted she was dead and chopped into small pieces, but if she wasn't a whore, she would have been murdered decently at home. She claimed they were just talking, but I didn't believe her. She consented to a polygraph, which she failed. You did what now? Where the hell did you get a polygraph? Is this what a Sam's Club membership gets you? I then asked her to submit to another with a different tester, and she failed that, too. How do you find these people? Are there roving gangs of polygraph testers in back alleys or something? These examiners have been doing this for over 20 years and both said she is lying.

Nancy maintains her innocence and I'm confused. Clearly. We attended counseling and got some things worked out, but I simply don't trust her. You should probably let her know that in some way. Like telling her, sharing your concerns, submitting her to tests only criminals undergo... What is your advice? — Don't Believe Her

Dear Don't Believe: Polygraphs are not infallible, so unless you catch her in the act, you will never be 100 percent certain. So it's time to start stalkin'! Your choice then is to leave your wife or forgive her. Unless she leaves you first. Have you noticed locks changing mysteriously on doors lately? You have children at home. Really? You should let them out occasionally. Unless Nancy gives you additional reason to be suspicious, please try to forgive her with your whole heart so you can get past this. It won't be easy, but it can be done. Both of you should go back to counseling so you can express yourselves and deal with your fears. There's been enough of that, thankyouverymuch.

DEAR ABBY: My otherwise loving, honest, generous, kind and attentive husband of 10 years Just learned about adjectives, did we? feels it's his right to walk into the bathroom whenever he wants, even when I'm in there. He says it's coincidence, but I think he does it intentionally. Once is accident, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action. Summon the troops! We don't have locks -- or even doors -- to shut our master bathroom. That would seem to be something you'd want to invest in. We do have other bathrooms in the house. Working bathrooms?

I have asked him repeatedly not to come in or to make some noise so I know he's coming. He says he "forgets." He's messing with you. Have you not figured this out by now? If I'm in the shower or bent over with my head upside down O_o blow-drying my hair I should really learn to finish reading the sentence before reacting. and turn around or look up and see another person, I get startled. My adrenaline pumps and I end up yelling at him. Do you also emit a high-pitched shriek that amuses everyone else in the room?

I'd prefer to get clean and pretty in peace. My husband thinks I'm overreacting. Am I? -- BOTHERED IN THE BATHROOM

DEAR BOTHERED: Feeling as strongly as you do, it's surprising that you would move into a house in which the master bedroom and bath are set up this way. And yes, I do think you're overreacting. That is because, Abster, you're not one of those people who shrieks when people startle them. Your humble Aunt Ryl is one of those people and she is also not amused when people startle her just to make her yelp. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND YOU ARE ON MY LIST.

However, you have a couple of options: The first would be for you to get clean and pretty in one of the other bathrooms. The second would be to start a remodeling project and have a door (or doors) to your master bath installed so your husband can knock before entering. Have a series of doors installed. Install retina scans. Make entering your master bath like the opening of Get Smart. See if you can find a Cerberus at the animal shelter to guard your door. The options, they are endless.

Old forgetful Aunt Ryl forgot about posting on Friday because she had a MAJOR #$%%^%$&$^$#%^# CRISIS appear at 6 in the a.m. It has since been dealt with and resolved although the resolution is going to take what we in the mountains call "a Waynesville minute."

As a video apology, she would like to present you with the epic battle of Cat Vs. Printer. Enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm fortunate to be married to an amazing woman. Good for you. There's just one problem. She's convinced that I'm going to burn down the house. Perhaps you should find a hobby that isn't playing with matches? She constantly nags me when I'm cooking, even when I'm literally standing over the pots. Unnecessary "literally." I find her tone -- and the idea that I don't know how to use a stove -- insulting. Have you tried telling her this? Nicely?

She insists I have the burner on too high when I'm making spaghetti, and it will somehow result in a catastrophe far worse than a ruined meal. She does know that the water has to boil to properly prepare dry noodles, right? I find it extremely annoying because I am 30, served my country honorably in Iraq, have been making spaghetti since I was 12 and have never caused any sort of kitchen fire. I fail to see how military service improves spaghetti-making skills. I've spoken to Iraq veterans from both wars, sir, and none of them have ever mentioned making spaghetti in the desert. In fact, I believe Iraq is more well know for kebabs than pasta.

My wife hasn't cooked for me in more than a year. That doesn't upset me because I know she works hard to earn money for our family. SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY! There. Now that song's stuck in your head too. But if she doesn't cook for me and I'm not allowed to cook for me, then how am I supposed to eat? Absorb nutrients from the soil. She's turning you into a plant.

Is there anything I can do to make my wife understand that I can be trusted to make a simple meal on a simple stove? Get a less complicated stove. -- PASTA GUY IN PHILLY

DEAR PASTA GUY: Probably not, if you haven't been able to convey that message in more than a year. So insist that she stay out of the kitchen while you're cooking, or prepare your meals after she has left for work. Or expand your repertoire beyond spaghetti and make a salad instead. Que? Abby, honey, the spaghetti was what we in the business call an "example." As in, that's really not the only thing he can or does cook, it's just a representation of the larger problem. I'm sure he can also roast a chicken and bake potatoes, but he mentioned the spaghetti because it's insanely simple to make. All it takes is a pot of boiling water and some dry noodles. Put the noodles in the boiling water and let them sit for a while. Voila, cooked spaghetti. Why do I need to explain this to you in such detail? How did you get out of first grade without knowing what an example is?

A line from today's Annie's Mailbox:

But you insist on picking the scabs off of her teenage scars because to you these incidents are fairly recent and you are still absorbing their impact.

*headdesk*

Annies, honey? Scars don't have scabs. Scars are what remains after the scabs fall off.

1-26
Dear Annie: Thirty years ago, my husband had a long-term affair. At the time, he was 30, and she was 16. He makes good decisions! He planned to leave me, and our two young children, unnecessary commas but he changed his mind and supposedly broke off the affair. Last year, I found out he had a daughter with this woman. The girl is now 17. Which girl? The one he had an affair with? Did he keep her in a cryogenic chamber or a wormhole or something? Is he a Time Lord? Oh, I hope he's a Time Lord. Then I can go hang out with Adric before he dies*.

Four months ago, I came home from a short trip to discover he had moved out because he wants to spend more time with his daughter. What kind of time is he spending? This phrasing makes Aunt Ryl's eyebrows raise skeptically. I told him I would welcome the girl into our family, but he said he no longer wants to be married. Well all right then! He refuses to let me meet his daughter, who now lives with him in his newly renovated home. Our own children want nothing to do with him, and he doesn't understand why. Perhaps you can present him with a nicely gift-wrapped clue at your divorce proceedings?

He still stops by for breakfast and coffee most mornings and often comes over for lunch or in the evening to visit. Okay then, don't wait for the divorce proceedings. Give him a clue with his morning coffee! Do you think he will eventually come back to me, or should I tell him to get lost so I can move on with my life? This is a question? — Frazzled

Dear Frazzled: Your husband has a set-up that works for him — free meals and visits with his wife, and none of the responsibilities. He has no reason to change it. He's livin' the life!

You cannot make him behave the way you wish, so if this arrangement works for you, fine. I'm sure you make a lovely doormat. Otherwise, we recommend a legal separation until you figure out what is in your best interest. Synonyms for separation: apart, not together, changed locks on doors. You don't have to rush into divorce. One step at a time. Soooooooo...are you saying that she should continue being his doormat or not? Annies, this is a terrible response. Pick a side! That's what We The People come to you for!
-------------------
*Adric was a character on Dr. Who thirty years ago. There is no spoiler warning on plot points that old. Also, if you didn't know that, you didn't watch Dr. Who back then when it was made of pure, refined awesome and therefore you are an uncultured goon. I MEAN THAT. Hie thyself to the internet and watch Castrovalva if you ever want to be in my good graces again.

originally auntagonized 7-4-08
Dear Annie: I've been married for 40 years to a man who has cheated on me repeatedly. Over the years, he has given me genital warts, herpes and two other STDs. He has even been with a woman 20 years older. It says a lot for me, doesn't it? Yep. Need the number to Spine Warehouse? 1-800-LEA-VHIM.

I never understood his cheating because the one good thing we had together was sex. You mean the sex that gave you multiple STDs, including seventeen previously confined only to monkeys, goats, and tubeworms? I like it, and yet he's always looking for someone better. You like getting STDs? That's a level of masochism I did not know existed. His latest fling is with a gay man he works with. He denies it, but based on the evidence and the way the man acts around my husband, I would bet my life on it. Be careful what you say, hon.

I wanted to leave last year, but he talked me out of it, saying I had too much to lose if we split up, and he is right. I have health issues, and at my age, I doubt I could get a job. You are just a treasure, aren't you?

I feel trapped. This man has so much rage and flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. I've been to two counselors who both say the stress will kill me, as it causes all the health issues I have. I've never thought my husband was anything but straight, but now I wonder if that's what all the cheating has been about. Is he trying to prove to himself that he's not gay? Doubt it. He could be proving he's a huge cheatin' asshole.

I am not ugly. Just a doormat. Other men look at me, but my husband doesn't. Life is getting short and I feel like I've wasted mine. That's the first perceptive thing you've said in this whole screed. Please help. — Trapped in Iowa

Dear Trapped: You got an A+ in Victim Class, didn't you? That was probably not a wise elective.
We think you have a good grasp of your husband's problem, so don't blame yourself. Serial cheaters have their own emotional baggage, and if your husband is gay or bisexual, that would explain a lot of this. Why does he have to be gay? Why can't he just be a douchebag? Last I checked, that crossed over every sexual orientation. Just like being a spineless doormat does. Now go call the Spine Warehouse and order you up a bushel. You'll be glad you did!

As seen in today's Ask Amy
Dear Amy: "Sick of Wedding Excess" stated her complete disdain for her niece's wedding and then proceeded to give the couple a gift I suspect she knew they wouldn't want.

Your answer was priceless. Thanking her would have spared everyone the sound of her self-righteous whining about their over-the-top wedding.
— A Fan

Dear Fan: The question was about expressing gratitude. And the answer to that question is always yes. Ms. Amy: always humble

One of You the People wrote that letter, didn't you? You rock.